The problem I have with ‘this too shall pass’...

While I know all (most) of you who utter these words are entirely well-meaning, I do have to say that I can’t help but hear ‘move past this’. 

As someone who has long lived with the super-fun anxious trait of rumination, I need to process things at my own pace. Can staying in a loop be unhealthy? absolutely. And I do agree that at times, there is a need to snap someone out of this way of thinking.

This said, if I am in the process of opening up to someone, letting down my guard, and being vulnerable in sharing my inner thoughts and feelings with them, it is paired with the hope that I will be heard and held. 

Not rushed through. Not made to ‘feel better’, for the listeners' own discomfort. 

The reality is, I know and understand that this will pass. But right now, I’m in it. And for some people, like myself, that means really being in it. 

For me, the rumination exists until validation occurs. 

Once I feel heard. Once I am accepted as who I am - inclusive of the thoughts and feelings I am having or the difficult moment I am experiencing, then, almost like a switch, I can move on. 

Many times, especially in the perinatal period, birthing people can feel so overwhelmed by their thoughts, changing bodies, future unknowns, and ever shifting day-to-day, the biggest thing you can do to support them is to just listen. Tell them you hear them. Remind them that what they’re living through is big and it matters, greatly. Yes, even if it’s ‘just’ gas. 

So next time you feel like this is happening, I ask that you quiet your needs. Quiet your feelings. There is a time and a place to connect over these. However, in trying moments, do your best to lay that all down and be present for your loved one.

They are carrying an enormous amount. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Hold it for them. Even if it's just for a couple of minutes. The last thing they need when they are reaching out for support is to have their experience minimized. 

Build trust in these moments. 

If you are working towards welcoming a baby, fostering this safety now will reassure the birthing person that they will be held in this way as labour approaches. 

If you are a new parent, finding your footing on the unstable ground of the postpartum period, cherish openness. Encourage sharing and use this as your opportunity to let the birthing person know that they are not alone in their feelings. 

If your perspective is that of a friend, grandparent, or colleague, do your best to empathize and resist the urge to tell your story. Instead, extend an offer to take something off of their plate, cook a meal, pick up a grocery order, or offer to look after older siblings so they might hear themselves think. 

I share this advice, having gone through these obstacles myself. Knowing that asking for any of the above often feels impossible, when you’re convinced that you should be able to handle it. I also share this with the full disclosure that you may follow my recommendations and still end up doing the ‘wrong thing’. All I know is that, again, this isn’t about you. 

Some days, hours, minutes, we don’t even know what we want but the last thing we need is to be forgotten. 

My goal is ultimately to forge a path for connection. To minimize isolation. To share my own experiences in the hopes that I can provide a voice for others who may be struggling to find their own.

The identity shift that accompanies early parenthood rocked my world. This is ultimately why I feel it is so monumentally important to support families in the postpartum period. 

The after. Once your family has grown. When the visitors stop coming. When the voice in our head begins to tell us to ‘get back to normal’. That we should have it figured out by now. When we start gaslighting our own thoughts and feelings. 

These are the moments when we need compassion and gentleness most. Permission to work through this liminal space with love and understanding.    

So, if you find yourself wanting to help but unsure how to, simply ask the birthing person or new parent how they’re doing, with the intention of really hearing them.